Don't normally fancy debates but it's actually fun to speak to friends with opposing points of view. Also, I love being in FASS. I love how I'm taking (seemingly) different modules, yet they all link to each other in very interesting ways. There's psychology everywhere. There's that bit of geography perspective in IEM, and theatre can be viewed through so many different kinds of lenses.

There's just one major thing that's stopping me from studying now - MY MAJORLY DISTRACTION-PRONE BRAIN. Honestly. I always discover the joys of studying only A DAY before the exam, because that's when I get a sense of urgency and can stop myself from getting distracted by anything.

So I spent the whole day searching for instrument rental shops and watching videos of child murderers and people with dissociative disorders, and so you think you can dance, and talking to my friends about the adoption of husbands' surnames. Am I wrong to say that the root of all such debate is inequality between the genders? If so, would getting the husband to adopt the wife's surname as well (such that both will become "tan-lim" instead of the husband as "tan" and the wife as "tan" as well) help resolve the issue?

The Temper Trap - Fader

General mood right now. Even though it's 2:20am and I have yet to study for my new media finals for tomorrow. Yup, not even a fingerprint on the notes. Plus the previous papers were terrible. Fader is so catchy. And here's a song to listen to when you're stressed:


Les Choristes - La Nuit

His voice. makes you forget about the existence of problems.

Hi you make me realize I can't survive in this world alone. Thought I was doing relatively fine, being emotionally independent the past 5 months, but it struck me that I need to feel responsible towards someone to do things. (or perhaps I wasn't "independent". Just... emotionally separated and cut off from people). There's no purpose in living alone like I have all this while ever since I stepped into this new environment.

Something really 

desirable

lingering

tranquil

about black and white.

I do miss darkness a little. You remind me of it. Stayed in my room the whole day and didn't see anyone (besides my mom who came over) after 9am. 8:52pm now, haven't started on geography, new media, theatre studies at all and psychology is roughly 1/6 done. Ok let my last minute powers do the magic please. Exams are on the day after tomorrow, the day after after tomorrow, the day after after after tomorrow, and last one's a week (minus 12 hours) later. 

I do not know what makes me happy. Definitely not simplicity. Where's all the beautiful mess, entanglement, the confusion? Where's.. what am I even looking for.

Now, goodbye. Back to work.

Am reading the portion of the psychology textbook about depression. Sometimes I really do feel proud of myself for getting over year 2010 and going through the A's in my room plastered with post-its. With the support of mainly my parents and two friends and a teacher. I often forget to pass on this love to others, to people who need help now.

There was one friend who really stood by me then, though we no longer talk to each other. I read alot about others' experiences. I want to remember my serious escapism problems, how I used to cry everyday, all those defense mechanisms. Excessive writing into the night and falling asleep in school the next day, thinking far too much, over sensitivity. Convincing my mom to bring me to the clinic to check for sleep disorder just because I wanted a reason for my tiredness, one that I didn't have to be held responsible for. I just didn't want to sleep at night. And strangely liking the sadness I feel because it makes me think, and thinking made me feel less inferior to others. I talk about them like they're nothing now, because they're of the past. But I certainly do not want to forget, not like I can forget anyway.

And there's the one teacher I really must thank, I wouldn't have gotten over anything without him, or my father. They probably shape my views of 'an ideal person'. I'm happy I'm here now. I must make full use of my opportunities here, do what I can. Most importantly, always be grateful and pass the love on.

Today I stared at the mirror, thinking about how strange it is that this person, with the certain combination of facial features, is staring back at you - and that person is you. It feels strange to live, and be able to see and feel yourself living life. I wouldn't say life is wonderful, but I don't mind being here and contributing as a life form on this planet. I don't know why we exist, and I do not know why we need emotions, but as long as we do, we should just fulfill our role as humans and.. do things.

I just had a proper talk (for a while) with someone I can tell everything and anything to, and it's mutual. I don't feel as happy talking to anyone else. There isn't anyone else I can tell everything to, or anyone who's as willing to tell me about things. Not just about everyday life. We haven't talked in a while. Maybe that's why I've been feeling lonely.

It's 7:43 am. 2.5 hours since i've been awake (cause I feel asleep at 12 with the lights on). Should be doing productive things now. Be it sleep or work.

Random: are classical theories (such as freud's theory of how the conflict between unconscious sexual drive and the demands of civilized human society is represented by psychological disorders, dreams and human behaviours) not as easy and straightforward to understand as compared to contemporary theories because we don't fully the context? I feel like I don't know enough about that era and the extent of social pressure - the demands of civilized human society -  at that time, and it affects my understanding of his theories.

My brother is getting married tomorrow :') This has always been a omg-my-brother-is-getting-married thing with much excitement, until I read the note his girlfriend - i mean his wife - i mean sister in law - tagged me in. It was about how she knows he'll always be there for her because he flew across the globe just to be with her during her operation, was there for so many of her dance competitions etc. And how she's not his girlfriend anymore - she's his wife.

To be honest, (in the past) I felt you two had very different interests, constantly quarreled in the past, started off so fast and fresh, and wondered how things would work out, but I guess the note helped me understand love is so much more than that. More than these 'connections' I always look for, more about genuine care and concern.

I know you two will last long. Yahui you're really lucky to have my brother (I used to tell my friends that I wish my future bf would be like him, because he really really is a great, caring person) - and he's lucky to have you as well, to have someone to care for, and someone who can bring more emotion and warmth into his life. Congratulations, both of you.

My brother is getting married :")

Can't find the connection, not quite yet.

STRESSED

(on a sidenote, i love how helpful Tembusians are. Think they've influenced me to want to share what I have with others)

Need to grow up. I feel so unreliable and undependable, and everybody only sees the non serious side of me. I feel light and floaty and too happy.

i'm not doing enough for anyone. there's no excuse to feel.. i don't know how to describe this feeling. unsure, maybe. of who are the ones i can hold really really really close to my heart. i feel too guilty to talk to any of them. i haven't had the energy to talk to anyone properly. There's also no point in saying sorry. i'm losing grip.

Whole long list of check boxes waiting to be ticked.

They weren't exaggerating when they said we're dependent on technology. So I've been phoneless for 4 days now and it's causing lots of trouble. Spent the past 4-5 hours at the blackberry service centre at red hill, and then to funan to get a new battery (they said the phone can't start up cause of the battery) just to discover that it doesn't work as well. I think they're discussing TS stuff over whatsapp and nobody can contact me unless I'm in my room on facebook. I am so annoyed with my blackberry. Been refusing to change my phone cause I simply adore the keypad (can't stand touch screen phones) but this is too much to take.

Right. Pure ranty post here.